It has been sometime since I had the chance, and to be honest, desire to write. Creatively or just for the sake of writing. Yet, I feel somewhat compelled to pick up the pen… or keyboard, for the sake of my saints, myself, and just in general.
It started about a year and half ago where I was dealing with prostatitis, which flared my IBS symptoms, which led me to realize the importance of taking care of my body. I realize now that this was God using this opportunity to wake me up.
Again.
I realized that if I want to be a priest (or religious) that I need to seriously wake up physically, mentally, and spiritually. After being treated for my prostatitis, I decided to get my gut checked out which has been both a blessing and a curse.
It started me on a journey of taking care of my body, making good food choices (or trying to at the very least), getting more exercise, learning to destress (which is so incredibly difficult), and coming closer to God.
Yet at the same time, it had led me to moments of true darkness and despair, desperation, and sadness. Feeling inadequate, unhealthy, and miserable. I went through batteries of tests, blood, stools, endoscopy, and colonoscopy. Which ruled more serious diseases, but have left me more in a weakened state and dealing with the side effects of these tests.
All together, I lost nearly ninety pounds, a considerable achievement that one would be proud of. At first, I was elated. I felt my food choices, my exercising were helping. Yet at the same time, I had a dark thought (that even to this day troubles me.) What if it isn’t the changes, what if it is a disease. IBD. IBD, and there is no way you would be able to become a priest.
You will need to be on expensive drugs while going through seminary, you will need surgeries. You can’t even eat a simple salad, how are you going to be healthy or strong enough to serve a church, let alone God. These thoughts tormented me.
I fell in a cycle of battling these thoughts, good days and bad days. I went from I have IBD because I have these cramps to I have IBS and I want to find the root cause. Meanwhile, I’ve been losing motivation, energy, and focus with a lot of things. Which I chalk up to, yes, anxiety and stress, but also my IBS as well.
I am prone to anxiety, I can’t and won’t deny that. I’ve always had a fear of the future and of the unknown. Yet at the same time, I realize that God is calling me not to trust these thoughts, but in Him.
It is easy to trust someone when you are happy, feeling great, and full of energy. It is another thing to trust someone when you don’t see where you are going. You don’t have the energy or wellbeing to do so. It moreso hard to trust someone when you have troublesome thoughts.
It is true that I still have some ups and downs. I feel healthier (in most regards) and so I put my trust in God, yet in other regards, I do feel worse before this has all started.
I recently picked up a book that recorded St. Therese’s last months on earth and I was hit by many revelations. My big sister was teaching many things that started to dawn on me that I want to explore in the upcoming posts.
I understand the value of suffering. It is easy for me to admit that I do not suffer well, and God is helping me with this imperfection. But we have a chance to grow with suffering. We can reject the cross that we are given and become bitter. We can demand God, why are you doing this to us. We can ask him to remove it (which I must admit, this is where I am)
Or do the hardest thing that humanity really struggles with. Humbly accept the suffering, even with joy, realizing that God does not WANT this. However, he allows it, because he is sharing that burden with us.
Just as a parent is hurt when they see a child hurt, they caress that child and give them many embraces and kisses, so too does God hold us in his hands. He suffers when we suffer. At the same time, the parent knows that there is value in suffering, because suffering teaches us not to do, x, y, or z.
But I’ve started to realize (all because of God and St. Therese) that suffering isn’t just about not doing x, y, or z. It also teaches us how to be more sympathetic and loving towards those who also suffer. We learn to be more patient with others who are going through physical, mental, or spiritual troubles. It also equips us with the tools to help those in need.
I put my trust in God that He will heal me, and if He doesn’t, yes, I will be sad. But at the same time, it is for a better good. I trust that God will get me in the priesthood (or religious life) whenever I am ready and when He wants me. I have only to wait and hold onto him, during the good and bad times, in sickness and health.
We have only to patiently carry this cross and hold on to God until he deigns to lift (if he so desires) and that is what St. Therese has taught me. Love is patient. We must be patient.
A suffering heart is a loving heart and a loving heart is a suffering heart.
Returning To Catholicism 